Ask A Dandy Fop #3

Dear Dandy Fop,

When having dinner guests, the preparation of the table is enough to send me into paroxysms. Which fork goes where, upon which side the serviette is to be placed, and numerous other conundrums bring on the vapors. Does this mean I am a lesbian?

Lady Eessex, Sussex Bath-Orley


Dearest Lady Eessex,

Heavens! So much effort was required to discover an answer to your inquiry, I daresay I felt like a common day-labourer! But as I've never yet passed even so much as a single day at honest work, I cannot pretend to be an authority on the feelings of the working classes. Suffice to say, if they work even one-half so hard each day, at chimney-sweeping or ironmongery or what have you, as I have done this week in seeking resolution to your troubles, madam, I know not how they survive!

O, but let us not get side-tracked by an investigation of the sentiments of such low peoples! You, my dear Lady, did inquire as to whether your nervous disposition towards the finer points of table-dressing could presage a proclivity for the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name! Could such seemingly unrelated subjects be so entwined? I knew not, so I sought the ministrations of someone who may: Mrs. Anne Rivington-Rivers, the Nation's foremost expert on manners and all forms of social nicety!

"But my dear Fop," you ask, "How does a scoundrel so notorious as you come to make contact with so reputable a lady?" Well, a cousin of Mrs. Rivington-Rivers, one George "Jolly" Rivers, is a frequent guest of Lady Melburton's and an incorrigible rake! Do not trouble yourself as to which particular embarrassment I may have used to induce Jolly to mention me to his cousin; there is no shortage of incidents poor Jolly would prefer kept away from the wagging tongues of gossips! At any rate, Mrs. Rivington-Rivers provided the following by way of answer:

"For any important Lady of Society, the rules of the table ought to be accorded second-most importance, behind only those of God Almighty and ahead of those laid down by Queen and Country! Possessing a certain degree of anxiety for matters of etiquette, then, is only natural. However, this trepidation does not excuse a poorly-arranged dinner party! If your Lady's fears do prevent her from entertaining and, thus, do sabotage her standing in society, suggest to her a tincture of laudanum-tonic to ease her nerves and quiet her mind before making preparations for company.

As to the other matter, that of Sapphic love: there are some things a woman of manners does not discuss!"

That was Mrs. Rivington-Rivers final pronouncement on the subject, I fear, and no amount of pleading could induce her to change her mind. So I, diligent above all else, sought the advice of several prominent Physicians. They were all of one mind: many Ladies do, on occasion, excite themselves to the point of hysteria with thoughts of tribadism. These men of learning all agreed that such feelings are like to be unrelated to one's table-settings.

However, one leading Physician of the Mind suggested to me (on condition of anonymity for fear of SCANDAL!) that, as both poorly-laid tables and acts of love between members of the fairer sex are taboos imposed by our regimented society, your desire for both may be tied to a wish to rebel! In that respect, Lady Eessex, I can only entreat you to mix within my social circle with greater frequency; no finer a group of rebels will you find in all the land!

In closing, my dear Lady Eessex, my advice is as follows: if you find yourself put-out by your table arrangements, listen to Mrs. Rivington-Rivers and acquire some laudanum-tonic -- it works wonders for me in all cases! If you wish to avoid the distress entirely, hire yourself a worthy lady-in-waiting to manage the affairs of your house. From the sound of things, more time spent lounging idly would do you a world of good!

And, finally, regarding your prospective dalliance with lesbianery: Far be it from me -- rascal that I am! -- to cast judgment on the libidinous persuasions of others! I keep my own transgressions firmly locked behind my lips, though in truth the key is easily found after so many glasses of Porto-wine! I suggest you do the same, to keep prying gossips such as myself from having one over on you. But if you find the weight too much to bear, I can provide you with an address for the aforementioned mental Physician. He has at his practice a mechanical vibrating-cure which, to hear him speak of it, sounds as though it would shake you free of all hysterias and leave you with a smile as wide as the very sky above!


Your Most Humble & Obedient Servant,



A Dandy Fop



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