Dear Dandy Fop,
My long-term girlfriend has recently been ramping up the pressure to get married. I'm still not sure we're ready for this next step, but I don't want to risk losing her or hurting her feelings. What should I do?
- Commitment Shy in Sheboygan
Dearest Commitment Shy,
O, the timeless and vexing question of marriage! Surely I, of all people, understand your hesitation. Why, though I've had my share of dalliances with the fairer sex, I've never spared even a serious moment's thought on marriage. No, sir, I bear no shame in confessing that I have been, and ever shall be, a confirmed bachelor!
But rather than let my singular disposition bias your answer, I sought the advice of my dearest married friend, Mr. Nigel Wynter-Dorney of Burwell, Cambs. When I shared your predicament with Nigel -- fear not; he is the very soul of discretion! -- he responded thusly:
"Fop, old boy, ask this gentleman-friend of yours about his lady's temperament. Is she shrewish? Quarrelsome? Does she gossip overmuch, or keep a disordered house? If she is possessed of any such vice now, ask him to multiply it fivefold, for that's what he should expect once their nuptial-day has passed! And if she endeavors to appear all sweetness and grace, ask him to multiply each vice a HUNDREDFOLD, as such maidens exist only in the fairy-stories of a child!"
A frightful verdict, to be sure! But take courage; there was some small consolation to be had:
"Tell this gentleman to throw by the wayside all that I have said if his lady-love comes from money! Then, he may amuse himself in the gambling-halls or at the horses, and afford any number of diversions to escape the constant hen-pecking he'd needs otherwise suffer."
Ah, money, a tonic for all ills! By the by, Nigel did offer further ameliorating conditions, but as these all involved the various iniquities and debaucheries you should expect a suitable spouse to perform in your conjugal bed, I dare not repeat them here! While I delight in salaciousness as much as the next fellow (or, indeed, more!) I've long since learn't that scandalous things in print may prove tricky to rub out!
So, Commitment Shy, where do we stand? The pleasures of a bachelor's life are not easily cast off, though for a more patient man than myself or my good Mr. Wynter-Dorney, the loss need not be so regrettable as all that. But as your lady-fair has already o'erstepped her station by broaching this subject, I'd advise you to discard her with all due haste, that she may learn what becomes of headstrong, impertinent girls!
Unless, of course, she does come from money, in which case you should mew her up tightly, and touch her for a guinea, now and again, for me!
Your Most Humble & Obedient Servant,
Dear Dandy Fop,
ReplyDeleteWhen having dinner guests, the preparation of the table is enough to send me into paroxysms. Which fork goes where, upon which side the serviette is to be placed, and numerous other conundrums bring on the vapors. Does this mean I am a lesbian?
Lady Eessex, Sussex Bath-Orley
Our mutual friend the Fop asked me to post this reply on his behalf:
ReplyDeleteMy Dear Lady Eessex,
What a frightful situation! I shall make the appropriate inquiries amongst my social circle -- taking care, of course, not to reference your good name! -- and get back to you within a fortnight!
Yours, etc.
- A Dandy Fop