Ask a Dandy Fop #5

Dear Dandy Fop,

My dog ran away from home, and I'm afraid that one of my neighbors may have taken him in out of spite. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Dog Tired in Temecula

Dearest Dog Tired,

I must confess to you that the bonds betwixt man and cur have never made much in the way of sense to my mind! Why, I scarcely mark myself as capable of caring for mine own person, let alone that of whichever mangy creature entreats to enter my home! Though, mind you, I did betimes keep a tom-cat whom I christened "The Right Hon. Monseigneur Mittens." This preening puss did far outstrip even my not-so-humble self in matters of self-indulgence and vanity! So much so, in fact, I feared he might make me look shambling and slovenly by compare, and so did endeavor to smuggle the beast into Lady Melburton's home where, camouflaged amongst the half-score or so other cats residing there, he remains unnoticed to this day!

But that is neither here nor there; you did not bid me tell you tales of the furry Monseigneur! You require my aid in detecting a dognapping!

If, by chance, your hound has merely run off -- as such creatures are wont to do -- then seek you a local lithographer, from whom you may secure a reasonable likeness of your spaniel (or whatever fashion of dog this may be). Then, contrive to place copies of this likeness about your estate, or village-center, or what you will, with some means of contacting you in the event your pup's location is discovered. 

In the event you continue to suspect foul play, I must know more of this neighbor! Have you some mutual grudge whereupon he might be tempted to visit revenge upon you? Perhaps your canid companion made too free a use of this gentleman's lawn as a depository for his excretions? If there be good reason for his potentially purloining your pooch, I pray you seek to make financial recompense to secure your pet's safe release.

But if -- heavens forfend! -- this neighbor be of the sort for whom a dog's flesh is like unto that of the suckling pig, or fattened veal-calf, or other such delicacy, then more desperate measures may be in order. The Lord knows that none so wicked as I would generally involve the constabulary in his personal affairs, but if you wish not to see your dear doggy in a most literal doggy-bag, then I commend you to your town's gendarmes.

I confess that this last scenario is unlikely. I do believe those most likely to enjoy dogsmeat dwell generally in the Orient or other such exotic lands. But one cannot be too cautious; indeed, the word "caution" has no place in the vocabulary of one such as myself! Still, unless you feel like accosting this churl with your pistols or rapier, the police-men are the most practical way to recover Rover uneaten and unharmed.

Your Most Humble & Obedient Servant,

A Dandy Fop

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