How many times has THIS happened to you?
You're at home, about to enjoy a nice, warm cup of tea when... UH OH! You forgot to take your tea bag OUT of the cup! Now the tea tastes bitter... it's UN-DRINKABLE!
Don't you wish there were some way to fix it without having to waste time and money making ANOTHER cup of tea?
Well, now there is! Introducing the Tea-Traveler, from Blarphco!
The Tea-Traveler can help fix ANY ruined cup of tea, simply by creating a hole in space-time! All you have to do is leap back a few minutes and get that tea bag OUT of the mug BEFORE it releases unpleasant tannins and RUINS your tea-drinking experience!
How does the Tea-Traveler work? It's simple! Using the Tea-Traveler's easy-to-read dial, select the number of minutes you need to take back! Next, our patented, high-tech "Singulari-TEA" engine generates high-energy particle collisions, which rip unnatural holes in the fabric of the universe! Then, protecting yourself with our T-BAG shields -- made from a space-age polymer! -- you leap through these holes and arrive in the past, unharmed and ready to remove the tea bag before any damage has been done! It's safe, it's easy, and it saves you a bundle in wasted tea!
The versatile Tea-Traveler works on all sorts of tea products, including: tea bags; loose tea leaves; Pu-Erh cakes; flowering teas; tea balls, and more! Whether you like iced tea, hot tea, or Southern-style sweet tea, the Tea-Traveler can take you back so you can enjoy your tea-drinking experience without worry! And all from a device that fits in most standard two-car garages!
How much would YOU expect to pay for a device this handy? A billion dollars? Five-hundred million? WRONG! The Tea-Traveler can be yours for just three million, three-hundred thirty-four thousand, four-hundred forty-four EASY payments of just $29.99!
And, as an added bonus, we'll throw in a second Tea-Traveler for FREE. You only have to pay additional shipping and handling, as well as insurance fees, and regulatory costs (including registration of a third-class nuclear device with Homeland Security, the FBI, CIA, and state and local agencies)
BUT WAIT! If you call within the next 30 minutes, we'll ALSO give you a handy tranquilizer rifle for use in the unlikely event you encounter a hostile past-self during one of your trips through time. This powerful opiate-based sedative will put your past-self right to sleep! Then, she/he will think of the event as a half-remembered dream, where a shadowy, rifle-toting doppelganger appeared as if from nowhere and vanished again in an instant.
So ACT NOW, and stop wasting money on over-steeped tea! To order, just call 1-800-555-TIME! That's 1-800-555-8463!
The Tea-Traveler (from Blarphco!) can be yours for the low, low, introductory price of three million, three-hundred thirty-four thousand, four-hundred forty-four EASY payments of just $29.99 (plus $7 million dollars S+H) The Tea-Traveler comes with 5 reusable T-BAG (Temporal-Baryonic Alpha-particle Guard) shields, good for three trips through time each. Additional uses may cause radiation sickness and/or death.
Using the Tea-Traveler may result in possible side-effects, including nausea, headache, confusion, watery diarrhea, schizophrenia, "space madness," spontaneous pregnancy, alien abduction, delusional parasitosis, grandfather paradox, impotence and, in rare cases, the end of the world.
Please read and follow all instructions and legal guidelines, and sign and date all insurance and indemnification forms, before using the Tea-Traveler. Please do not use Tea Traveler to "correct" historical events, as doing so may result in a resonance cascade scenario and the enslavement of the Earth by all-powerful, trans-dimensional beings.
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