Commander Zorb Faces His Critics

Ladies and gentle-beings of the Galaxy Corps:

I requested this special meeting of the High Council in order to address some of the more... salacious... stories that have emerged in the wake of Captain Brighthawk's unfortunate death. I know that this has been a trying time, considering the near-universal love we all held for the Captain and his unwavering fight against the forces of tyranny and darkness, and I understand that we all grieve in different ways. But I think that maybe SOME of us are using grief to get away with saying things, HURTFUL things, about a certain Commander in the Galaxy Corps. And while I GET that this is all coming from a place of pain, I don't think that inflicting MORE pain, specifically on me, is the best way to go forward. With that in mind, I hope you'll allow me to set the record straight.

Let me first address the elephant in the room: I know that everybody thinks that I had something to do with Captain Brighthawk's demise. It's easy to see where you could get this idea: Captain Brighthawk was brave, selfless, and handsome, while I, Commander Zorb, am calculating, callow, and -- in most peoples' eyes -- more than a little "creepy-looking." But since when did being unattractive automatically make one a villain? I mean, some members of the Galaxy Corps come from worlds where people's heads look like space-urinals, but does that make them the "bad guy?" No! So don't let Captain Brighthawk's million-dollar smile and rugged yet camera-friendly looks prejudice you against those less fortunate and attention-seeking!

Yes, the Captain was always in the limelight, eager (some might say TOO eager?) to rush out on dangerous missions, while I stuck to the shadows and built my influence in the council one short-lived, intrigue-filled alliance at a time. Different strokes for different folks, right? And yes, maybe I DID order the sortie during which the courageous Captain's space-fighter was destroyed. But literally ONE other person on the High Council knew about this mission, and I don't see anyone casting these aspersions of murder on Grand Elder Bob.

As to the rumors that the ambushing craft were bearing my standard, well, how could anyone KNOW that? I mean, it's not like any of the Captain's squadron survived the incident, so I think those allegations are specious at best.

A question? Yes, yes my personal space-car DID recently suffer some laser damage, but I ASSURE you that this was caused by that misfiring defense turret in Sector 7. You know, the one same one I've filed complaint after complaint about? Well, that's bureaucracy in action for you!

Anyway, I think I should also cover the persistent story that, with Brighthawk out of the picture, I've somehow managed to use mind-control to take over the Galaxy Corps High Council. This preposterous fiction stems solely from the swirly, black-and-white pendant I've taken to wearing. This rumor hurts me more than you can imagine, because the pendant in question was a gift from my darling little niece, who made it for me during arts & crafts over at Space-Kindergarten.

Now, between us, I know it's not the prettiest looking necklace anyone has ever seen. But, damnit, my niece isn't an artist; she's FIVE. And, frankly, it's insulting that SO MANY of you claim to feel woozy after looking at it. Oh, yes, you're all such big men, criticizing a child's skill!

I won't take up too much more of your time. I hope I've answered one or two of your questions about this whole THING with Captain Brighthawk, and that some of you are coming to realize that just because I may look, talk, and occasionally even act like some sort of stereotypical "baddie," doesn't mean I don't have feelings. Now, before I step down, I'd just like you all to take one last look at my pendant and repeat after me: "Commander Zorb is the real hero. Zorb shall rule us all! Commander Zorb is the real hero..."